Cracking Down: The NHL Has Unveiled A New Hyperbolic Penalty Box That Makes 3 Minutes Inside It Feel Like 500 Years

Hockey has a well-earned reputation as one of the most brutal major sports, and now the NHL is taking a decisive measuring to promote musician safety: The league has unveiled a new hyperbolic penalty box that attains three minutes inside it feel like 500 years.

A penalty that lasts half a millennium for the musician but only a few minutes of real time? This is going to seriously change the route video games is played.

The hyperbolic penalty containers, which were unveiled to a packed stadium at a Penguins game last nighttime, are designed to slow time by more than 87 million percentage and force players to sit trapped, just out of reach of specific actions on the ice, for what feels like centuries. Musicians who started fightings, harassed adjudicators, or accused opponents were all sent to the hyperbolic box yesterday, where they reportedly watched the world around them slacken to a glacial speed before their eyes and stayed that lane for more than 40 million hours before they were put back into the game, only three minutes later.

Last night, Sidney Crosby officially became the first man to be sent to the box during NHL gameplay, and when he emerged, he immediately fell to the ground gasping and sobbing, having lost his ability to both skate and speak English after 500 years of separation from his view.

“When a musician is placed inside the penalty container, it can take periods for anyone on the outside to look like they’ve moved even a millimeter, which makes them plenty of time to think about the fouled they devoted, ” said NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman, emphasizing that officials can set players inside for violations ranging from punching to high-sticking. “Because they are only actually experiencing three minutes, the musician in appeals chamber will never have to sleep or feel hunger during the course of its 500 years they are forced to perceive, so hopefully they’ll think twice about perpetrating a penalty again.”

“We likewise take the skates of any musician sent to the penalty enclosure to make sure they can’t kill themselves in there, ” added Bettman.

And the pilot program is already a success! After a stint in the hyperbolic penalty box last nighttime, Crosby cowered when other players got near him for the rest of video games, and every time the puck came his route, he would look at the tally recognizes that he had carved into his skin with his fingernails and become silent. Then afterwards, when a ref called Crosby for slashing, he collapsed onto the ice and began hollering in a feral speech, clearly favor fatality over being sent back to the new penalty box.

Player safety FTW!

Bottom line, the NHL is cracking down on their musicians, and the athletes are ultimately paying attention. So don’t be surprised if, thanks to the league, you watch a safer, better game–because when that buzzer “re going away” three minutes later and players are liberated from the hyperbolic penalty container, they’ll definitely be a little more careful with the fights they pick next time.

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