The Sad Reality Of A Christian Pick-Up Artist

This is the story of a human who raged against the vagina and lost. A man whose erection died a thousand fatalities, until all it had left was its God. But at its core, it’s the redemption narrative of a humankind who ran from sex predator to sexuality predator for the Lord. If you have any pits on you, you already was well known that I’m talking about: pick-up artist and writer Don Diebel.

It’s important to me that you know this is a real person , and not some wacky character I devised for an SNL audition. This human is an actual author who wrote real volumes. Here is how he appeared in the actual June 1990 issue of real book Texas Monthly 😛 TAGEND

Coming into the 1980 s, Don Diebel’s merely personality trait was sex. Whether he was out on the cities or at home coyly staring the panties off you from white overalls with no shirt or muscle tint, Don attained every interaction into penetration. You may look at his scene and think, “This guy? He looks like a Before picture in an Out Traveler control shampoo ad.” Sick burn, but don’t be clowned. He waged a four-decade campaign against unfilled orifices. Schemed Parenthood nurses would call him the Baba Yaga.

Don, a contributing Texas pussy vagrant, started off with the noble goal of teaching others how to swindle strangers out of sex. It’s a cause that would ingest and ultimately destroy him, but at the age 33, Don didn’t know any of this. He only knew two things, and both of them were titties. With his thick, wavy hair moving prematurely white — a totally-worth-it side effect of mustache ride friction — he wrote his first book on the thing he thought he did best: How To Pick Up Women In Discos .

Unfortunately, Don wasn’t as great with language as he was with nipple play. He wrote like a human who invested elementary school crushing ass instead of reading sentence structure. He attained love like a dream, but where reference is typed, his commas limply flopped into the incorrect places like a porn actor who lied on his resume. Don Diebel is first and foremost a devotee, and not at all any kind of second thing. No publisher wanted his manuscript.

To circumvented the literary world’s modesty and savor, Don started his own publishing company. The newly founded Gemini Pub Co’s first volume, How To Pick Up Women In Discos , became an instant critical and fiscal failing. What happened? Well, Don Diebel can only spell “pusy, ” and he writes like eight of his fingers are trapped in a butt. Politics also played a part. It’s easy to forget that women in 1980 had to file taxes as “female livestock or lipstick storage equipment, ” and they could still be arrested for removing the tuna from a Jell-O casserole recipe. Yet even during that era, Don’s book on “picking up” wives was to be considered as sexist. So Diebel ricochetted back in 1982 with the more gently titled THE COMPLETE GUIDE TO MEETING WOMEN . It was pretty much the same book.

Don still had issues with punctuation, grammar, and spelling, but you don’t buy a book like THE COMPLETE GUIDE TO MEETING WOMEN because you have keen communication skills. You buy it because your swollen balls were in the bookstore shrieking, “Aargh! Try anything! Heeelp! ” Here’s what’s crazy, though: This volume is nearly criminally wrong about how to approach ladies. Utilizing this volume to your play is like adding anime rantings and seven mouth sores to your game. If you’ve had sex fewer than 70 hours, reading THE COMPLETE GUIDE TO MEETING WOMEN legally restores your virginity. Let’s look at some excerpts( 1982 first edition ). All typos are Don’s.

The first chapter is largely for fun. It describes the different types of women you’ll run into in the disco. Watch out for The Man-Hater! She’s a type of wildlife who only goes to singles bars to induce mean faces at humankinds asking for casual sex. You can skip the majority of members of this chapter, since if you use the techniques described in the book, you’ll find virtually all women fall into this category.

This section helps establish some of the rules for the ladies. If you build eye linked with Don Diebel, then great. Enjoy the moistest night of your life. And if you build the mistake of not accepting his penis, the least you are able do is give honest but fair notes on what he and it could have done better.

Stay where you are, though, silent and alert. Don will have some questions and controversies, followed by several sexual offerings of reduced intimacy, such as “handjob” or “eat your ass.” Wait for him to fully complete his exit interview before going home. If you do remain in the fraternity, you razz, return to Don often, and a little bit hornier if you don’t mind, for up to ten last chances. Don understands this can be inconvenient, but it’s what you signed up for when you brought a vagina with you outside.

So let me get this straight-out, Don. You invest your afternoons looking for the least interesting alcoholic in Houston’s Holiday Inn bars, and you’re willing to be slapped and humbled for the desperate, minuscule chance to destroy an already sad person’s wedding. And after years of this, you think, “I should write an advice book to aid others avoid this tragic life. Wait. No, the opposite.” This whole book is like get advice from “the worlds” champ of diarrhea hasten eating.

Judging by the advice he dedicates, Don deems a woman not taking a swaying at him to be a sexual conquest. His approach is to take the tact of a subway masturbator, blend it with the allure of a metro masturbator, then remove all self-awareness. So yes, of course it seems like topless dancers are “easy lays” to him. When he talks to a woman in literally any other line of work, she calls the police before he says a second thing.

It’s important to note that Diebel thinks he invented trying to fuck strippers. This is gonna be a repetition theme in his volumes, along with another overlooked source of eligible bachelorettes 😛 TAGEND

With this level of relentless pursuing, I have to wonder how Don managed to stay single. I’d ask one of his former lovers about it, but this entry stimulates me believe I’d need a team of dogs and a spade to find one.

Women, this is going to sound like obvious advice after you hear it, but find yourself a boy who can listing nine different swingers publications before he even gets to the mediocre ones.

Whether it’s Carl Sagan or Neil deGrasse Tyson, a good science communicator determines ways to take complicated, expansive notions and translate them into conversational language. Others, such as Don Diebel, might ramble for 57 words about untested neuroscience instead of proposing “Point at your dick? “

Shout out to 1982 ‘s Barbara, who managed to have the most uncomfortable line in a panty sniffer’s How To Date-Rape book. This was your chance to help people, and you really blew it, Barbara. I don’t know who you are I’m lecturing you, though. You’ve likely been dead 30 times, and your entire eulogy was just your bartender telling a coroner, “Yeah, I think that’s Britney.”

If a lady isn’t having a good time at “states parties ” where a man is leaning against a wall pointing at his dick, it’s likely because she’s sitting too far away to discover. Move in close, wiggling your fingers around your genitals as necessary. If her eyesight is specially bad, here is how you say “I’M POINTING AT MY DICK” in Braille 😛 TAGEND

Haha wait, what? Fucking what , Don Diebel? This is a complete reversal of what you were saying last page. I’d hate to find out I became registered as a sexuality delinquent in 19 states by following the advice of a guy who was so full of shit he couldn’t even keep his own wisdom straight-out. Oh, great. Now you’ve got me writing GOP slogans.

Well, yeah. Duh. I have a boner, Don , not a passion for sorcery.

Don Diebel, if masturbation fictions were forced by universal statute to come true, we would all be hunky sleuths analyse erotic whodunits with Shannon Tweed. Every few hours, we would suddenly find ourselves buried in disorient pilings of our stepmother’s pantyhose. You can’t conjure things by fantasizing about them really hard. And if you could, the least imaginative seventh-grader would reside the free time of every hot girl in the world. Don Diebel, listen. You can literally look down at your own lonely, unwelcome dick to know none of this is true, Don.

THE COMPLETE GUIDE TO MEETING WOMEN continues like that for a while, going into great detail on how to hypnotize yourself to be more seductive and offering beginner hygiene tips-off to avoid being a dealbreaker at orgies. The volume was, by any measure, a humiliating tragedy. His eager, virgin dong still had more to teach, but cracks were starting to kind in Don Diebel’s fragile soul.

It had been eight years since the release of THE COMPLETE GUIDE TO MEETING WOMEN , and the book merely became popular in one community: district attorney presenting proof in rape trials. But Don had an idea that could become his literary job around — an idea most people would call embarrassing. It was a pick-up artist book written by a man, but for, get this, ladies .

It’s worth noting that the two-time failed writer whose advice on hitchhikers was “try to fuck them” was now describing himself on book jacket with “Don Diebel — World famous novelist, author, lecturer, dating consultant, TV and radio personality, astrologer, has helped thousands of lonely hearts win at the game of adoration with his phenomenal best-sellers.”

FINDING MR. Right: A Woman’s Guide To Meeting Men was an ambitious project to take female victims and sexually aggressive disco creeps and swap their brains. If it operated, “it wouldve been” the greatest breakthrough in free vagina since Donald Trump had a daughter. And if it didn’t, Don Diebel would just look like a lonely moron whose greatest ambition was to get away with sexual assault — the exact thesis of his last volume. Let’s see how things worked out. Once again, all typos and grammatical mistakes have been respectfully left in.

The first chapter is largely for fun. It describes the different types of men you’ll run across in the nightclub. Watch out for The Woman-Hater! He only came here to get cranky when women offer him- hold on, this sounds way too familiar. Did he … no. No, he couldn’t have. There’s no way.

Oh, holy shit. This is … oh, holy shit . Don’s book on helping dames find intrigue is simply THE COMPLETE GUIDE TO MEETING WOMEN , word for word, with the genders switched. This madman actually knows so few about wives that he thinks he can search-and-replace pronouns in a pussy-grabbing handbook and it will work as woman’s guide to acquiring love. That’s … that’s the most sexist thing but likewise somehow the least sexist thing I’ve ever heard.

When I realise he rewrote the same book( again ), only with various pronouns, I guessed, “OK, but he’s going to take out the section on banging hitchhikers, right? ” He fucking didn’t! All he did was add three sentences to assure the eager female reader that while “its dangerous”, she still has at least a 51 percentage chance of surviving sex in her car with a destitute drifter. But before you jump on that “golden possibility, ” girls, keep in mind that these statistics are simply the casual speculation of a lonely boy who “daydreams” of one day porking a hitchhiker. They are not official numbers from a census of road stabbing incidents.

If you’re luring junkie male strippers home with cocaine, you’re operating at the very highest level of finding Mr. Right and Don Diebel can teach you no more. You started as a sad girl with a book and an unused lap. Now you have a human who loves your cocaine and cares about your cocaine, but who needs to leave soon to scratch his balls on a birthday party. And he will remain faithful to you until the very moment a different person has cocaine. On behalf of all women and everyone who believe in true love, thank you, Don Diebel.

Maybe I didn’t give Don enough credit for his ability to adjust to feminine thinking. He made a few changes other than search-replacing the pronouns in his manual for beginner sex predators. For instance, in the male version of the book, the astrology section was about tricking gullible women around your home to pretend to do astrology. In the female version, there’s a bit of astrology.

One chapter of the female version of his book was four pages about where you can meet horny rich humen. This replaced a chapter for “the mens” devoted to infiltrating swinger communities. He may not has become a smart boy, but Don has been kicked out of enough debaucheries to know that ladies prefer cash prizes to group sex.

When FINDING MR. Right: A Woman’s Guide To Meeting Men — the female reboot of the previous reboot of an unpublishable volume — didn’t work out, Don knew he had to innovate. His keen thinker, honed by years of seeing vulvas, guessed: “What if there was a collect of pages that contained the epithets, locations, and phone numbers of businesses !? ” He then published THE HOUSTON ENTERTAINMENT AND Dating GUIDE: WHERE TO GO AND WHAT TO DO FROM A TO Z

This joyless list of business hours and address contained 100 pages, eight grainy photos, and several short descriptions of what things like art galleries and senior citizen middles are as basic concepts. If you were in the Houston area in the early ‘9 0s and wished the Yellow Pages were harder to navigate and written by a pervert, it constructed the perfect gift. Unfortunately, this was not a large enough group of people to build the book a hit.

So after publishing one pick-up artist volume three different ways and one Houston Yellow Pages spec script, Don spent eight years coming up with his realest mind yet. It was a volume about picking up chicks, but focusing on the only part he’d ever experienced: the commencement of the line.

In 1999, at persons under the age of 52, Don Diebel wrote 1001 Best Pick-Up Lines: Sure-fire Opening Lines For Meeting, Attracting, and Seducing Women . On the book jacket, he described himself as “America’s# 1 Singles Expert and one of the nation’s producing group of experts on dating and relationships.” He was back and doing what he did best: creating awkward situations between a handful of sad men and their volume store clerks, then nothing fucking close to anything else.

Fun fact: The book was also published on CD-ROM, but instead of featuring a hot chick get seduced in a saloon, Don use clip artwork of what seems to be a hospitality employee explaining to a passenger that his mother just fell off the back of the cruise ship. A strange option, and also one irrelevant to anything I’ll be discussing! Let’s take a look inside 😛 TAGEND

Women love honesty, but they also adoration mystery, which makes this a perfect line, because she will find this honesty very mysterious. And then you have her right where you crave her, engaging in the sensual play of cat and mouse that is seduction. She’s thinking, “Did this elderly humankind really fuck a breach into his blow-up doll, or does he have a poor sense of humour and no judgement? ” and you’re reasoning, “LICK HER TOES, COWARD. NO, MOTHER, I MUSTN’T! LICK HER TOES, COWARD.”

At first this seems like innocent wordplay, but it’s so much more. This line subliminally recreates that erotic feeling that only exists between the moment you open a Valentine’s Day card from a child and the moment you place it in the junk. She will be overwhelmed with a sense of predictable, expected disappointment.

If you built a robot to package toothpaste and it left the factory to get-up-and-go house to house tearing the teeth from every mouth it acquired, “its best” at its occupation than this line is at picking up women.

This one isn’t bad, Don, but the default setting human greeting seems a bit obvious for a book promising “Sure-fire opening lines for session, attracting, and seducing women” from “America’s# 1 Singles Expert.” This is kind of like including “milk” in a cookbook, or “none” in The Comprehensive Guide To Vaginas Don Diebel Has Actually Seen .

“Because if you are, your pizza, pastas, and zeal for life genuinely plumb my koopas. And lasagna? I’m sorry , no lady has ever let me talk this long. I- aaaaaaahhhhh I’m! Is this? I-I’m CUMMMING !!!! “

This is such an amazing combination of stupid, confusing, and pathetic that I reckon Don has given up trying to seduce dames and now he’s simply searching for the secret defraud code to turn off a woman’s nervous system. There is one good thing about this pick-up line, though: If the club is too noisy for her to hear you, you can communicate the exact same thing by sadly holding out a condom while your own pants fill with pee. Which, if I’m not mistaken, is the Diebel family crest.

This opening line can really move things along, but it merely works on Alzheimer’s patients who are willing to have sex with “the mens” they think are their children.

No, she’s still not Italian, Don. Are you fucking stupid? Why did you write a book promising 1,001 conversation starters if the only nine honest conversations you can have are about swingers magazines? Don, when your pick-up lines are so dull you can’t recollect them from earlier on the same fucking page of your own book, how are they going to work on the real girls laughing at the little mustache you developed to conceal your chimp lips? How many times will you ask them if they’re Italian while they’re telling the bouncer you two are smelling their bar stools? A million dollars says the most significant you’ve ever come to actual sexuality is when you found a pizza pocket in your swimming trunks. You miserable fucking, Don Diebel.

While she’s lubricating from your Laffy Taffy cleverness, follow this line up with “That counts! You all ensure! FIRST BASE FOR DIEBEL! Ow! Stop! OK, I’m leaving! I, HEY! I’m entitled to a phone call! I need to tell my mother I met a girl! “

Let’s imagine this in a best-case scenario. Let’s say this woman alone at the bar has no defenses against aggressive perverts. Let’s say she believes there was a fart and that it wasn’t you, Don Diebel, “the mens” devoting local fart updates to strangers. Say she abandons her guzzle and runs outside with the obvious pervert screaming about farts. Does this seem reasonable, Don? Because we’re not done.

Don, you seem to think a woman’s mood can be manipulated with proposition and imperceptible body language. If that’s true-life, and we’re only play the game now because it isn’t, wouldn’t it work in the opposite direction? Don’t you think operating up to her with a butt smelling emergency might undo the 40 seconds you expend trying to get her to look at your dick? By your own science, you’ve implanted yourself in her subconscious as the bar-clearing fart guy, Don. And no one stairs out on their husband with the bar-clearing fart guy.

Of course this guy has a feet thing. Jesus Christ, Don, at this degree you might as well ask for her address and if it’s OK for you to keep any Maxi Pads she hurls out.

This isn’t how meet people operates or how licking people works. The nicest thing anyone has ever to say something about Don Diebel is this quote I wrote for the back of his next book: “Don Diebel’s aim, slobbery approach to picking up females saves everyone time! Most sexual predators hide their dark intentions behind appeal until it’s far too late! “

You probably know this is the desperate act of a sex criminal and wouldn’t study. If you did this one million times, you would assure zero boobs and be the least popular man in prison. “Its like” writing a book on finance and suggesting, “Sell a stolen motorcycle for $50 million!( Someone out there might actually do it. Billionaires are noted eccentrics .) ” And don’t fucking forget, Don Diebel wrote this when he was a 52 -year-old man. That’s virtually 40 its past puberty, and he still cannot even imagine what it would look like if a woman said two seconds thing to him.

There’s no way anyone is this bad with women. If you asked me this book was a marketing strategy established by the pepper spray industry, I would pretend I knew it all along.

Is that true, wives? Call the police for “no, ” and dry heave for a more comical “no.”

I’ve built fun of a lot of the stuff in this volume, but this one is just good letter. It’s effective, too. Approaching a woman as if you have an emergency and then revealing you’re only a horny idiot works in any situation. For instance, if you’re at the DMV, say, “You crazy bitch, I know you took my feline! ” Then I wait six, maybe seven beats, and finish, “…alog for big penis rubbers. Hi, are you Italian? Can Italians catch herpes on their feet? “

Let the record show: America’s# 1 Singles Expert suggests, in his chapter on daddy-themed pick-up lines , that you should tell a woman her daddy attains you horny with a cornet pun.

If hundreds of miracles simultaneously take place and you find yourself in a relationship with the woman you say this to, this opening line will torment her every moment. At nighttime, she will lay awake remembering how you introduced yourself. She’ll think about it when you’re inside her. She’ll go onto pervert meetings and cornet subreddits, urgently looking for answers. “My lover said my father must play the trumpet because he sure does stimulate him horny. Please, what does it mean? ” You couldn’t say anything more hauntingly unappealing if you walked up to a stranger and is necessary to slide your cold hands into her tits.

Oh, come on . Fuck your frigid spirit, Don Diebel. You would lick a hole into an old shoe if you thought a female garbage collector touched it.

This book contains an entire section of Beavis And Butthead pick-up lines. Not similar in theme to Beavis And Butthead , but direct quotes and references to the cartoon. I don’t have a gag about that; I just crave you to know it exists.

Don also included a chapter specifically about picking up topless dancers with lines like “What’s your real name? ” and, I swear to God this is a line in its entirety, “Show me your shrub ! ” He recommends saying, “Don’t you get tired of all these hornies humen with their brain between their legs? ” on the same page as, “Don’t you get tired of being around all these drunks and horny humen acting like a bunch of moronics? ” Most of the other lines are different ways you can shame her and her filthy job.

Don Diebel is perfectly the lonely humankind in the strip bar earnestly striving a human relationship. If you asked any stripper to list the cliches this type of human says, she could write, word-for-word, Don Diebel’s chapter on picking up topless dancers. As he went into the year 2000, Don was a 53 -year-old man offering sexuality to sexuality employees with all the allure of a cockroach feeding on Charlie Sheen’s blood. And things didn’t get much better in the next decade.

The 2000 s were a slow day for Diebel’s publishing. His first five volumes were the dark fictions of a ogre too sheepish to go through with a real abduct. He was a second penis on the only panda in a zoo — useless in ways too obvious and depressing to get into.

Dwell magazine did an interview with him , not as a pick-up artist, but as a lamp expert. Apparently, they assured an article on his website about romantic lighting, and thought he would be the perfect expert to examine three modern lamps. Each of his examines were the incoherent rambles of someone you would only describe as a non-lamp-expert, but that’s not important. What’s important is it disclosed Don Diebel had a website , and it’s exactly what you’d expect.

It’s called, and it sells sexuality cologne, romance cassettes, and his stupid goddamn volumes. And these are not products for presentable men looking to enhance their desirability — is altogether banking on you having several crippling emotional disturbance and facial imperfections. His approach to women is 100 percent “You’re scarcely sludge, so why not try groveling and titty-grabbing.” Here’s a screenshot 😛 TAGEND’s products are designed to turn reluctant women into sexuality spouses, which is strange, because it’s the one thing the site’s creator has patently never done. It sells pheromone perfume for inventive rapists and hypnosis videotapes for horny magicians. But selling snake oil for inflatable-doll-scented penis wasn’t as successful as you might see, so Don tried one last time to write a book on scoring babes. Let’s talking here 2009 ‘s 200 Guaranteed Route To Succeed With Women: Everything You Need To Know On How To Meet, Date, And Attract Women .

This book is pathetic, yes, but not like the others. This one largely focuses on how to deal with the overwhelming depression that comes with being Don Diebel. It’s less a guidebook to crushing ass and more of a training handbook for a crisis hotline volunteer. The enters are self-help mantras like “Cure for the blues (# 10) ” and “How to be happy (# 14 ), ” which take up less than a whole page put together. And #30 is just “How to eat Italian food, ” with a couple of tips on table manners. But let me talk to you about #29. Oh, holy shitting fuck, #29.

Imagine the erotic memoirs of a 62 -year-old virgin who never learned to write and still isn’t sure which of the blobs is the mons pubis. That’s what I’m about to show you. The 29 th Assured Way to Succeed with Women is called “My date from hell, ” and it’s an un-proofread account of Don Diebel’s greatest sexual triumph 😛 TAGEND

One of the reasons why Diebel’s pick-up lines are so bad is that half-naked females jump on him before he can practise them. And if you’re believing none of this happened, which of these two scenarios are most likely?

A: A sad man with a history of bad ethics falsifies an unverifiable and unlikely tale in which he’s highly motivated to lie.

B: The hottest girl, like, ever gets into a vehicle alone with a non-handsome elderly man as he’s trying to drive over sunbathers.

C: Oh, you weren’t expecting a C, ladies? It was to catch you off-guard so I could subliminally aim this sentence with three sexually accused words penis, butt, penis. Hi, I’m Seanbaby, and I’ve read all of Don Diebel’s volumes. Show me your bush.

Assuming this date really happened( and aren’t we being cute ), Don offered to drive Hot Bikini Girl to his place. She concurred, but instead of a wild nighttime of romance, they discovered Don left his puppy home alone with no water while he was cruising for hard torsoes. It was comatose from dehydration. This signifies in an imaginary narrative wherein Diebel controls every detail, he virtually murders his own puppy and can’t close the deal with the loose stranger who came to his house for sex. But don’t give up yet. We’re not even close to done.

OK, so Don Diebel killed his dog, but not before it got style more activity from his date than he did.

Despite the loss of his best friend, Don was still in the mood for love. Plainly, he had been able to drive back to the beach to find a substitution hot daughter, maybe even one who hadn’t watched a puppy die on her own mouth that afternoon. But Diebel was going to finish what he started — he took the same girl to dinner, on a helicopter tour of the city, to a nightclub, and then to the wharf, his beloved dead comrade still lingering on her breath.

None of the date was going well. She flirted with other boys, Don picked a fight with her, and she jumped into a lagoon and nearly died. “I was pissed, ” recollects Don. But you don’t get to be America’s# 1 Singles Expert by giving up easily. Don took the wet daughter he hated back to his house, where he planned to have meaningless sex mere feet from a purse of puppy food to go forever uneaten. Instead, this happens 😛 TAGEND

That was quite an adventure, right? It’s patently — OBVIOUSLY — not true, but all good lies have elements of fact in their own homes. So, Houston police, there’s a really good chance Don is describing the time he killed his bird-dog, medication a woman, and threw her body in a reservoir. The only part of the story I 100 percentage believe is that Don couldn’t get laid even with the world’s sluttiest girl over such courses of eight location changes.

Don reprinted this story on a self-help (!) website, and I really promote speculative fiction devotees to run read it in its entirety: My Date From Hell. But do that later, because we’re about to enter the 2010 s, the decade when Don Diebel truly “losing ones” entire mind.

With the forgettable 200 Guaranteed Whatevers To Disappoint Your Erection behind him, Don had to reach deep into his vulva-haunted brain for an original mind. He didn’t were identified. He wrote 100 Best Places To Take A Date , with ideas like “miniature golf” and “pizza.” It was a dickless shadow of an idea already written by thousands of history’s dumbest, least imaginative the authors and induced long obsolete by phone books. Diebel’s inspirations were as drained as the balls of a boy who seductively screams “Show me your shrub! ” at topless dancers.

Fun Fact: This is the actual copy of 100 Best Place to Take a Date sent to me by Don Diebel. It came with a homemade label , no case, and an advertisement for a Cd on dominating pussy no longer in stock. Wait, out of inventory? You’re an old man burning CD-ROMs in his apartment. How does that render chain get disrupted? Was there certain kinds of button dearth on your mouse? Did your facilitated living nurse toss out the floppy disk that had dom_pu~ 1. wpd on it? This last one isn’t a joke but a real guess: did you get banned from Radio Shack for attempted rape? I guess my phase is, Don Diebel isn’t good at anything .

Destroyed by the soul-crushing realization that he was out of ideas for seducing women, he gave up and wrote what might be the loneliest book name since Single Player Rules for Fallout: The Board Game . Here it is 😛 TAGEND

Don Diebel was alone in a universe where ass no longer comprised meaning. The Easy Way To IMPROVE YOUR GOLF WITH S/ A GOLF HYPNOTISM took the same self-hypnosis nonsense Don was utilizing 35 times earlier to psych himself up for a poontang hunting and accommodated it for golf. For a professional chick hound, it was like finally becoming a dead husband’s lair into a sewing room. It was like tattooing DO NOT RESUSCITATE on your dick and suffocating it with a pillow. It was Don Diebel concluding that he would never learn if the Masters of the Universe Horde Slime Pit Playset actually did feel like a real-life blowjob. Diebel was fucking done.

No. Not yet. With a dusty cough, Don Diebel’s groin rose from the grave. There had to be one last thing he could try, one last illumination to cling to. And then Don realise the secret to pussy was right in front of him all along: the majesty of Jesus Christ. Or as he threw it in the intro to his next book 😛 TAGEND

This would sound a bit absurd coming from anyone else, but if Don Diebel is hearing another voice in his couch, it can only be coming from Jesus Christ. Regrettably, this idea God dedicated him for a book sucked, and Don’s newfound lord and savior was an as bad editor. They say He’s infallible, but He couldn’t get through the second sentence of the introduction before “re missing a” this typo. Other philosophers have said this before me, but checkmate, all religion .

This book is desperate groveling on a cosmic, spiritual degree. It is a whispering in the darkness pleading for someone, anyone to mail Don Diebel a butt to touch. It’s a boy complaining to the inventor of all things for committing females a selection in their sexuality collaborators. Let me demonstrate you what I’m talking about 😛 TAGEND

Nothing is a more perfect Bible quote for Don Diebel’s dating life than one about biding strong in the face of abandonment and get assistance from your hand.

About a quarter of the book is Bible verses loosely related to rejection and loneliness, but the majority of members of it is things like this, dating advice rewritten in the form of prayer. Don will call up Jesus and say things like, “Please help me make sure my body language is sexually suggestive and that I have an air of self-assured confidence because ladies desire that. In your name I pray, Amen.” So in a manner that is, it’s a really sad Don Diebel typing out his prayers. In any other way, it’s a very confident pick-up veteran telling Jesus Himself how to score pussy.

You sad bitch. Your body language advice used to be “point at your dick.” Now it’s “pretend you’re holding a guy’s hand? ” Don, you are 70 years old , and you’re still trolling nightclubs for ass? You can’t call any of your countless former fans to see if their self-esteem is still low enough to watch your partial erecting fluttering? I’m starting to think it was shortsighted to introduce yourself to every woman by offering to lick the pond sea off her feet.

As sad as this prayer is, it gets sadder. It’s reprinted one page later in the exact same section, word for word. At this point, Don has given up on Jesus sending him single women and would be fine with Jesus sending him appropriate tools to cope with depression. Don, you’re a septuagenarian sexuality book writer who never learned where commas or penises move. How about you stop nagging Jesus for the impossible and thank Him for inspiring you to fill that puppet’s mouth with anal lubricant?

For decades, this man has destroyed every relationship he’s had by immediately checking if she’s the legendary woman who dedicates out free sex to everyone brave enough to ask. And here is what it led to: Don Diebel, after authoring ten books on scoring chicks, is begging Jesus for a girl in a prayer that sounds like it was written by a third-year third-grader. Failing isn’t a big enough term, and Hitlerfailure hasn’t been invented yet. Don’t feel sorry for Don, though. This is, without exception, the future every woman he’s fulfilled starting in 1980 has warned him about. The tragic narrative of Don Diebel is merely surprising because we’re not used to such obvious, twistless endings.

I’ve learned a lot by reading Don Diebel’s books. I’ve learned that you can’t shove your nuts into the nighttime and call it “meeting women.” Now and always, you have to treat women with respect, and loop your thumbs in your belt so your thumbs point at your own dick, creating a subliminal message those confused drunk sluts can’t resist. And if that doesn’t work, Plan B is Jesus.

With this victory, Seanbaby is the new America’s# 1 Singles Expert. You can follow him on Twitter and play his hit mobile game Calculords .

Ladies, if you encounter a Don Diebel out there, here’s a link to some pepper spray .

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