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You Live In 3500 B.C.! Can You Become The First Human To Ride A Horse?

The year is 3500 B.C ., a day when everyone’s landowner was a rock, animals were synonymous with dres, and public nudity was largely acceptable if you didn’t want to wear garment. But that’s about to change. Everything’s about to change.

Major changes in human culture are on the horizon. From the invention of writing to the very first sailboats to the earliest recorded sleepover pranks, each bit of ingenuity from this period will serve as the bedrock of mankind’s advancement through the rest of history.

Society-shaping breakthroughs are being induced left and right, like the wheel–

“–Hey! HEY! Don’t you look at my wheel! Don’t you fucking look at it! ” shouts Richard Wheel. He’s the guy who invented the wheel. He’s not very humble about it.

“Ah, simply look at this brilliant little invention of mine. Soon, people everywhere will be using the wheel to roll off hillsides and crush rabbits so they can attain shoes out of them! Best thing to happen to humankind since Baldo Fire became the first human to harness burn , no doubt.”

“That’s precious, you having a little mind of your own. Bet it’s not the wheel, because I attained that.”

“Wait, as in the animal? What do you intend’ ride a horse’? ”

“Wow. Definitely don’t do that. What a dumb and reckless mind. Wild ponies are dangerous, and they hate humen. Anytime you get near one that you’re not about to spear in the jugular, they’ll hoof you to death or drag you to the beach and eat all your clothes. This is the way it has been between people and horses since the sunrise of period. No behavior they’d simply up and let you put your crotch on their back. That’s why us 3500 B.C. folk stick to eating ponies or attaining pants out of them , not sitting on them.

Seems like you’ve already forgotten the time you tried sitting on a crow in order to be allowed to fly everywhere. You simply attained it 30 miles before it plummeted you from 100 feet in the air. Wheels are the future. Not sitting on mares. Don’t be a jackass.

What the hell would journey a pony do for anyone besides get your troglodyte-ass horse-murdered? ”

“Well, good luck with that, even though you’ll probably die. I’m gonna move roll this off a mountain towards a fawn and make a vest out of it. Later.”

At first, “youre trying to” pioneer horse-riding because of all the benefits that horse subservience to humans would give. Now, you’re additionally motivated to ride a pony only to spite Richard Wheel and his fucking circle.

This monumental human accomplishment is entirely up for grabs. If you crave it, the glory of being the first person to journey a pony is yours.

Oh…really? Listen, sanitation systems are an extraordinarily important development for society. No one’s going to argue that. But would you honestly instead be the founding architect of sewage disposal than horseback riding? Even if you accomplish this achievement of engineering, Richard Wheel’s bound to find some dickish way to make fun of you for it.

Before you decide, please just consider the appropriate means that may much fun riding a pony “wouldve been”. Seem at this horse. Now imagine yourself on top of it, moving at accelerates unthinkable to 3500 B.C. humans.

Wow. Okay. Not quite the adventure that horse journeying would be, but a noble choice that will push culture forward nonetheless.

Time to get started on your sewage system. Better be quick about it. This guy’s really go to go.

“HURRY.”

“PLEASE DEVELOP THE FIRST HUMAN-WASTE DISPOSAL SYSTEM FASTER. I HAVE TO GO.”

“OH, OH, OOOOH, HURRY.”

“MY SON HAS TO GO, TOO.”

“PLEASE, PLEASE, DON’T LET ME DO THIS IN FRONT OF MY SON, NOT NOW. HURRY.”

Too late. These folks had to go so badly that they took its own initiative and designed the world’s first sewer system before you. Subsequentlies, they likewise started the world’s first business, a father-and-son-owned waste, drainage, and plumbing operation that’s been passed down through countless generations. It’s still around today on 130 th Street in New York City, called Rocco and Sons Primo Pipe Care.

Even worse, Richard Wheel stole your idea for riding the pony and is now called Richard Wheel And Likewise Rides Horses.

You should’ve tried to be the first person to journey a horse instead. Try again.

Excellent. Now that you’ve induced it your mission to ride a mare, it’s time to go were identified and attain being on a horse the future of going.

You doodle a blueprint of your plan on the soles of your cragged, filthy 3500 B.C. feet, just so you still get credit for the relevant recommendations of riding a pony even if you die trying.

Nope , no horses here.

None here either.

Hold up–that’s Horse/ Family Bath Mountain, where wild horses and family baths are.

Do you want to check Horse/ Family Bath Mountain for mares, or seem elsewhere?

You arrive at the mountaintop. No horses.

Still no horses.

Damn. Not a horse in sight up here.

A huntress pushings through the bathing families and approaches you.

“If you’ve come up here looking for mares, know that I’ve became them all into gasps already. I ate one too.”

“You want to ride a mare? Why would anyone need to do that? ”

“Got it. Yeah, that guy sucks.

My cousin, Frank Wine, the guy who fabricated beer a pair centuries back, once tried jump-start on a mare to get it to booze beer. It terminated up killing him, which is why he’s now called Frank Horse Victim, but as he bled to death from all the pony bites, he moaned,

‘A horse with a SMILE THAT’S NICE AND WIDE

Is the best good horse that a human could ride.’

Whatever that means. Hope it helps. Good luck.”

Ah, ultimately! A mare clearly tried licking a rainbow into the dirt here. You are getting close. You think you can even reek them.

You’ve procured horses! Okay , now what?

You’ve decided to become the herd’s alpha so they have no choice but to accept your crotch on their back and move wherever you command them to.

How do you want to go about earning the unwavering respect of the herd?

You single out the alpha pony and approach it. You can tell that this horse is the dominant president of the herd because it has only one incredibly small human penis that every other horse in the herd continues bowing to when they trot by him.

The alpha pony seems you dead in the eye, unblinking and repeatedly stamping its foot in the grime. The whole herd’s watching now.

Time to demonstrate your dominance and usurp this fella from power.

The alpha backs back, takes a few swipes at you, and then has sex with every girl in the herd to assert its place in this herd’s pecking order. You’ve clearly failed to threaten it.

Time to do something more drastic.

The moment you drop your teeth into the horse’s eyes and spit them on the ground, it begins sobbing, and the rest of the herd hurry-ups to its assist. Yes, a mare with no eyes can still weep.

Fuck, man. That was so unnecessary. Not merely did you lose the herd’s respect due to your totally unprovoked aggressivenes, but they continued the now-blind alpha horse in power to cheer him up. An overwhelming sense of guilt eats you as you insure the herd travel to a different pasture, this one now scarred with the violence you wrought on them. A newborn pony spittings on the ground near you out of disgust.

Word of your fucked-up-ness spreads across 3500 B.C. horse culture, and now none of them will let you even get close to a herd. You failed to be the first human to ride a pony. Try again.

Wow, you’ve come up with republic! You’re already proving to be one of 3500 B.C.’s most inventive pioneers, and riding a mare will be the cherry on top of this stunning developed for humankind. Richard Wheel is going to fling his shitty circle off a cliff where reference is sees what you’ve concocted here.

Perhaps the horses will appreciate you respecting their persons and earning your behavior to putting your crotch on their backs through civil means.

You place a single stone at the foot of every mare in the herd.

You then carefully stand next to the current alpha mare while it’s too busy grazing to want to kill you. You can tell that this horse is the dominant president of the herd because it has an improbably small human penis that every other pony in the herd continues bowing to when they trot by him.

Making sure each mare is paying attention, you demonstrate that, to poll, there is a requirement simply carry their boulder and set it next to who’d they like to be the alpha of the herd.

Now, you must make your lawsuit as to why you deserve to be the alpha, but in a way that a pony can understand.

Okay, you’ve made your case.

Time to vote!

Looks like the horses didn’t understand republic at all. They didn’t even touch the rocks. The alpha pony just walked over to you and threw a hoof at your face so hard that it inverted your snout.

You appear so scaring that no human, let alone horse, is able to face you, and hence, you can only get anyone be interested to hear your suggestion for republic. It will not be tried again for around 3,000 years.

Worst of all, you failed to become the first human to ride a mare. Try again.

Probably a good mind to operate your behavior up to these ponies from something less dangerous.

What do you want to practice journeying on?

Ah, yes, the wooly mammoth. The animal that everyone in 3500 B.C. gets their milk and wigs from.

Before you can climb up its 12 -foot frame and straddle it, the wooly mammoth becomes and address you telepathically, which is something that no one will ever demonstrate wasn’t true about them 😛 TAGEND

“Come on, us woolies have, like, two millennia before we’re extinct forever. Total dunzo. Be cool. Let us enjoy the time we have left undisturbed.”

“Please. Don’t do this, ” says the wooly mammoth as you hurl your legs over its back.

Good thing you ignored the wooly mammoth’s pleas for you to leave it alone, because you objective up domesticating wooly mammoths and saved them from extinction! In the future, wealthy children get wooly mammoths for their birthdays, Christopher Reeve becomes paralyzed after falling off a wooly mammoth, and they’re likewise the animal that gets ridden during the course of its Preakness Stakes.

Unfortunately, this intend horses was completely eradicated from the planet instead because they had to be killed to feed all the wooly mammoths, and you never became the first person to journey one. Try again.

Smart thinking! This is a great starting point for eventually journeying a real horse.

Oof. You aimed up splattering the seahorse…maybe “re trying” that’s a better is suitable for your size.

This one should do!

Damn, well, okay, maybe go another size up.

You got this!

Ouch…not quite. Listen , no one said this journey would be easy, so don’t get discouraged. Let’s make it one more go, yeah?

All right, get a load of this big guy! This is the one. Now go easy. No need to rush.

Yikes. Okay, you’re done practicing on seahorses for now.

You’ve determined some plants to practise journeying on.

Oh no! You killed the flowers when you tried riding them. This does not bode well for journeying a horse.

“WHAT THE FUCK ?! MY Plant! WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING ?! ”

“FUCK! I WAS Running TO PIONEER AGRICULTURE WITH THOSE PLANTS! ”

“THAT IS DEVASTATING TO HEAR.”

“…”

As you sprint toward the herd to jump on one, they all scatter, except for this horse. It appears to be the herd’s alpha. You can tell that this horse is the dominant leader of the herd because it has only one improbably small human penis that every other mare in the herd holds bowing to when they trot by him.

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